Not on hangover, this morning. Wonderful night. With friends, and the first time i start to feel some self confidence. I'm in philippines and i feel empty inside, an incapacity to fill my being with inner satisfaction. Dunno if it never happened to you.
Might be the shit pollution in the air of Manila. It's really that bad. Calcutta in summer is not like this, I can tell as I've been.
So I'll be updating more often this blog than before. The only motivation that brought me to not to update it was that my parents read what I write and 60% of the contenent of this blog can't be read by them.
Now I don't care, i'm 29 and sincerely, I don't a shit anymore of what people think about me as all my expectations in them have are unfulfilled so i don't see why keep what i do for myself.
Aaaah.
Much better.
So, we were saying...
Today...
Woke up at 11
Shower
Internet checking where to go next
Found Serena, my ex girlfiend on skype and had a nice chat with her. It's always nice to hear her.
Called my parents @ home. The line fell and battery died. Called back. Taked with dad, then mom.
I hate to speak with my parents if I'm not high on weed. It's the only way i can forget ego and xpectations so i avoid gettin delusional from frustrations given by expectations. I learned that the only expectation i can get from them is money. If I'm in need they're ready to help. Otherwise, for any other problem they're not able to understand me. They're on their position ready to tell me still what to do in my life (I'm 29).
There is no way i can fulfill the need of friend ship with them, specially my mother, I drains my life energy speaking with her if i'm not high.
She still thinks I'm a baby and there is no other way to convince her that it's not like this anymore.
The problem is that I feel a block, a twist on my path. What is it? It's that if I don't act like a retarded with her i feel like shit after as she doesn't feel her position of italian mom fixed. Her duties accomplished. It's like relating my self to a person living on her own planet.
She never listened to me, she doesn't care, and it's very difficult, unbearable to accept that my mom does not listen to me. She never did. She thinks she does and that's the root of the problem.
A person that thinks to know everything is a pain in the ass. Impossible to have a conversation without getting interrupted, so I already know that it's meaningless to speak with my mother. I never been listened by my mother.
My dad is a bit better.
And this is the goddam thing that i digest with difficulty, in a relationship when your partner is good in one thing jesus fucking christ, you learn from him or her! And what she does? An ego competition, a continuos show off of how she's great and who's the best.
So my dad is dieing slowly accepting that her wife is a twisted mind and he's closing into-himself.
God I've never ben for divorce. Now I'm quoting it A LOT.
It's difficult too to grow with these situations going on. And I don't mean that my mom doesn't love me.
Gosh she's the soul that loved me more than anybody else!
But it's feeling. On the practical side I'm not able to have a simple conversation with her and this gives me a deep sadness.
The fact of seeing that they're auto swicthing off they're bodies (dieing) of numbness makes me feel a partial orphan that has indeed two parents on the paper. Both nearly 70. There are people so called grey nomads in australia that travel 5000km every year (2 ways so it's 10000kms) for spending the winter time in caravan parks in the far north where the weather is nice and warm and what my parents do is complaining all the time of the aches they have.
So I can't really enjoy my time. It's difficult to enjoy life feeling these things hey. Growing up with two guys that travel a lot and every travel they tell you "In case we die the papers are here..." did not allow me to grow up with an inner security. I started to see life getting a risk every day. And a person that tells you these things shouldn't act like a friend or a beloving soul, and it's pretty normal to grow with lack of insecurity too knowing that your parents can die every second. And sincerly talking, you don't want them around you anymore as what they do is just hurting your feelings. Act like loving persons deciding what's good for you and what's not, useing the belt on ya because the numbers at the end of the trimester weren't that good.
Fuck.
I realize now what an emotional charge on my little shoulders.
Not strange if i started to have suicidal ideas when i was 14 hey?!
Not strange if i started to race cars when 19 at a pro level but on regular tracks.
Not strange if i read everything about Foreign Legion at 17.
Not strange if i started weed at 19 to search catarthis.
Not strange if i tried everything else after.
Not strange if i went around the north of brasil alone walking.
Not strange if i went crazy during my studies in swizerland.
Not strange if i wasn't sincer with myself and with the others.
I never expressed myself with anyone as i don't like to put my weights (even emotional ones) on others.
Wow, I never did cause i thought that people wouldn't accept me anymore after opening mt pandoras' box with 'em. And now that i accept it i feel finally good.
I accept myself!
WOW!
I feel they've done their best can't accuse anyone for what happened.
Self destruction happens to everyone.
I can't pretend that people understand me, even my parents, if i don't understand myself.
Cheers Everyone
Love
Alef
Might be the shit pollution in the air of Manila. It's really that bad. Calcutta in summer is not like this, I can tell as I've been.
So I'll be updating more often this blog than before. The only motivation that brought me to not to update it was that my parents read what I write and 60% of the contenent of this blog can't be read by them.
Now I don't care, i'm 29 and sincerely, I don't a shit anymore of what people think about me as all my expectations in them have are unfulfilled so i don't see why keep what i do for myself.
Aaaah.
Much better.
So, we were saying...
Today...
Woke up at 11
Shower
Internet checking where to go next
Found Serena, my ex girlfiend on skype and had a nice chat with her. It's always nice to hear her.
Called my parents @ home. The line fell and battery died. Called back. Taked with dad, then mom.
I hate to speak with my parents if I'm not high on weed. It's the only way i can forget ego and xpectations so i avoid gettin delusional from frustrations given by expectations. I learned that the only expectation i can get from them is money. If I'm in need they're ready to help. Otherwise, for any other problem they're not able to understand me. They're on their position ready to tell me still what to do in my life (I'm 29).
There is no way i can fulfill the need of friend ship with them, specially my mother, I drains my life energy speaking with her if i'm not high.
She still thinks I'm a baby and there is no other way to convince her that it's not like this anymore.
The problem is that I feel a block, a twist on my path. What is it? It's that if I don't act like a retarded with her i feel like shit after as she doesn't feel her position of italian mom fixed. Her duties accomplished. It's like relating my self to a person living on her own planet.
She never listened to me, she doesn't care, and it's very difficult, unbearable to accept that my mom does not listen to me. She never did. She thinks she does and that's the root of the problem.
A person that thinks to know everything is a pain in the ass. Impossible to have a conversation without getting interrupted, so I already know that it's meaningless to speak with my mother. I never been listened by my mother.
My dad is a bit better.
And this is the goddam thing that i digest with difficulty, in a relationship when your partner is good in one thing jesus fucking christ, you learn from him or her! And what she does? An ego competition, a continuos show off of how she's great and who's the best.
So my dad is dieing slowly accepting that her wife is a twisted mind and he's closing into-himself.
God I've never ben for divorce. Now I'm quoting it A LOT.
It's difficult too to grow with these situations going on. And I don't mean that my mom doesn't love me.
Gosh she's the soul that loved me more than anybody else!
But it's feeling. On the practical side I'm not able to have a simple conversation with her and this gives me a deep sadness.
The fact of seeing that they're auto swicthing off they're bodies (dieing) of numbness makes me feel a partial orphan that has indeed two parents on the paper. Both nearly 70. There are people so called grey nomads in australia that travel 5000km every year (2 ways so it's 10000kms) for spending the winter time in caravan parks in the far north where the weather is nice and warm and what my parents do is complaining all the time of the aches they have.
So I can't really enjoy my time. It's difficult to enjoy life feeling these things hey. Growing up with two guys that travel a lot and every travel they tell you "In case we die the papers are here..." did not allow me to grow up with an inner security. I started to see life getting a risk every day. And a person that tells you these things shouldn't act like a friend or a beloving soul, and it's pretty normal to grow with lack of insecurity too knowing that your parents can die every second. And sincerly talking, you don't want them around you anymore as what they do is just hurting your feelings. Act like loving persons deciding what's good for you and what's not, useing the belt on ya because the numbers at the end of the trimester weren't that good.
Fuck.
I realize now what an emotional charge on my little shoulders.
Not strange if i started to have suicidal ideas when i was 14 hey?!
Not strange if i started to race cars when 19 at a pro level but on regular tracks.
Not strange if i read everything about Foreign Legion at 17.
Not strange if i started weed at 19 to search catarthis.
Not strange if i tried everything else after.
Not strange if i went around the north of brasil alone walking.
Not strange if i went crazy during my studies in swizerland.
Not strange if i wasn't sincer with myself and with the others.
I never expressed myself with anyone as i don't like to put my weights (even emotional ones) on others.
Wow, I never did cause i thought that people wouldn't accept me anymore after opening mt pandoras' box with 'em. And now that i accept it i feel finally good.
I accept myself!
WOW!
I feel they've done their best can't accuse anyone for what happened.
Self destruction happens to everyone.
I can't pretend that people understand me, even my parents, if i don't understand myself.
Cheers Everyone
Love
Alef
